Last week I was in LA again for the first time in a long while. I always try to see my old sketch comedy group when I’m in town and I figured it would be fun to write something for the show. They were comping my ticket and it was the least I could do. The sketch I wrote didn’t make the cut but I got a two-line joke in near the end.
The joke was: Cigarette companies in Israel have manufactured kosher cigarettes for Passover. Their slogan: “Why is this night more smooth and refreshing than all other nights?”
The rejected sketch was this one. Enjoy.
By John Judy
SUPREME COURT BALIFF V/O (in blackout): Oral arguments in cases United States v. Windsor, Defense of Marriage Act, and Hollingsworth v. Perry, Proposition Eight, are now concluded. Justices will recess for deliberation. God save this court and God save the United States of America.
(Lights up. Nine Justices, SCALIA, KENNEDY, THOMAS, ROBERTS, ALITO, SOTOMAYOR, GINSBURG, BREYER and KAGAN enter quickly.)
KENNEDY: Oh my god, I have got to pee so bad…!
ROBERTS: Not so fast, Kennedy. You are not getting out of this.
KENNEDY: John, I’m not even kidding. I’m gonna get an infection here.
ROBERTS: “Chief Justice says…”
KENNEDY: Damn it!
SCALIA: Don’t worry, kid, we can do this fast. Could everybody here in this room who’s Catholic and doesn’t want to burn in a Lake of Fire stand over here with Team Scalia? Traditional marriage, who’s with me?
(THOMAS, ROBERTS and ALITO separate themselves from the rest and settle near SCALIA, leaving GINSBURG, BREYER, KAGAN and SOTOMAYOR opposite. KENNEDY stands uncomfortably alone.)
SOTOMAYOR: Um, excuse me? Tony? Yeah, Roman Catholic, standing over here.
GINSBURG, BREYER, KAGAN: With the Jews.
SOTOMAYOR: And equality.
SCALIA: Oooo, sorry, Sonia, maybe I should have said “Real Catholics” over here!
(THOMAS, ROBERTS, SCALIA AND ALITO all high-five each other.)
ROBERTS: Ouch! Burn!
SCALIA: “Real Catholics!”
(Rather than speak, which he never does, THOMAS honks a bicycle horn like Harpo Marx.)
GINSBURG: Alright cut the crap, Scalia. We all know how this shakes out. We have four Clinton-Obama appointees over here and you’ve got five Reagan-Bush appointees over there, one of whom snuck a heart and a brain through the confirmation process. Kennedy, get your ass over here and let’s put this bitch to bed.
ROBERTS: Chief Justice says: “Not so fast, Ginsburg!”
KENNEDY: Damn it!
ROBERTS: I got a few questions for Mr. Swings Both Ways-Voter over here.
KENNEDY: John, come on, you’ve got a lesbian cousin…
ROBERTS: Yes, Anthony, but I’ve also got a lifetime of severe sexual and emotional hang-ups that I’m not gonna toss overboard just because it would be “cool!”
ALITO: John, I think you meant to say “Deeply held religious and moral principles.”
ROBERTS: Right! Thank-you, Sam. Now I will remind you, each of us Supreme Court Justices made a pinky-swear…
SCALIA: “An oath.”
ROBERTS: Right, an oath, to uphold the Bible…
SCALIA: “The Constitution.”
ROBERTS: The Constitution!
ROBERTS: Idiot! Hey!
SCALIA: How did I not get your job?!?
ROBERTS: Because you’re old!
(SCALIA and ROBERTS are about to duke it out when THOMAS and ALITO pull them apart. THOMAS lets out a few honks.)
KAGAN: Interesting how homophobic Harvard boys can’t wait to wrestle each other…
BREYER, GINSBURG & SOTOMAYOR: Mmmmm-hmmmm.
KAGAN: So who’s coming out on top? I mean with the case. Honest.
BREYER: Guys, could I just ask one question here?
SCALIA: You just did.
BREYER: Can any of you think of any harm that would be done if we just let gay people marry?
SCALIA: Is it harmful to make Jesus cry?!?
THOMAS: (Single honk)
SCALIA: One means “Yes.”
BREYER: Anthony, you’re the swing vote on this. Again. Will you just do the right thing so we can all go home?
ALITO: Oh, he’ll do the right thing, Breyer! Especially if he remembers what happens to guys named Kennedy who try to change things!
(Everyone stares at ALITO.)
ALITO: Okay, I probably shouldn’t have said that out loud.
KENNEDY: I just want to go to the bathroom!
GINSBURG: I can’t believe I have to do this. Clarence!
THOMAS: (Single honk)
GINSBURG: Clarence, we’ve known each other a long time. And even though your predecessor, the great Justice Thurgood Marshall, could have had unnatural congress with a syphilitic giraffe and produced a more qualified jurist than you, I know that in your heart you are capable of great love. Enough love for two different wives and at least one unwilling subordinate.
THOMAS (wistfully): (Single honk)
GINSBURG: I ask you, Justice Clarence Thomas, to look in your heart and understand that if you vote today to deny the fundamental civil and human right of our gay fellow Americans to love who they were born to love, legally, openly and without fear… It could have a chilling effect on lesbian porn. Clarence Thomas, how do you vote on gay marriage?
(THOMAS slowly raises his bicycle horn over his head.)
THOMAS: (Single honk. Maybe a pre-recorded clarion gets laid over it.) POORRRN!!!
(THOMAS is lifted triumphantly on the shoulders of GINSBURG, BREYER, KAGAN and SOTOMAYOR.)
ROBERTS, SCALIA and ALITO: NOOOOO!!!!!
(BLACKOUT. Cue “Clang-Clang-Clang Went the Trolley” for scene change?)