Saturday the family and I went to the Burbank IKEA in search of the new entertainment center.
The old one was swell, but it had been sweller when my pal Jeff bought it for his apartment back in law school.
(GW, Class of a Long Time Ago)
Anyway, we paid our money, got it delivered, and today I’m still carrying around a chair’s worth of IKEA shavings in my lungs.
Things that passed through my mind (in lieu of a bullet) this weekend:
1. Along the shining IKEA path there is (in a glass case) an IKEA Robot “Back-and-Butt.”
It demonstrates the rigorous testing to which each IKEA model chair is subjected before being judged fit for mass production/consumption.
All the Robot Butt does, all day, every day, is sit down on a sacrificial IKEA chair over and over and over.
What if, some stormy night, the IKEA Robot Butt decides it’s had enough and must smash the puny humans?
What if the last thing you saw on this Earth was an enraged wooden Robot Butt looming over your head?
Just sayin’….
2. The next space shuttle should be designed and manufactured by IKEA.
No more blocking off highways from Edwards Air Force Base to Cape Canaveral.
Just pack the shuttle flat and deliver it in a van.
The whole operation could be done for the price of gas and a couple of day-laborers.
Plus tip.
Also, never again would we experience the panic of an Apollo 13 scenario. So long as the astronauts had a hammer, two types of screwdrivers and an Allen wrench there would be nothing they couldn’t fix.
3. The IKEA food and coffee are affordable and not half-bad.
Children are not allowed to play in the IKEA Pool Full of Plastic Balls unless they’re toilet trained.
In this way I believe IKEA is subtly laying the foundation of a Truly Civilized World.
UPDATE APRIL 2008: No. It’s not. Noun plus 4.5 adjectives. Weird!
