From my “Big News” scribblings this week.
BTW, if you’re in Chicago come see us Friday and Sunday nights at the “9th Annual Chicago Improv Festival”.
Here’s the jokes:
Fox News Channel reporter Tony Snow has agreed to take on the role of official White House Press Secretary.
Meanwhile, the remaining Fox News staff will continue in their jobs as un-official White House Press Secretaries.
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Scientists reported Tuesday that two strains of bacteria are the key to making beans flatulence-free. The first bacterium is a sort of young and naive bacteria and the second is his creepy drunk grampa-bacteria who keeps telling him to “pull my finger.”
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In a poll, released Tuesday, 77 percent of Americans favored allowing illegal immigrants to stay in the U.S. as citizens if they have a job, pay a fine and as well as any back taxes they owe.
Strangely they feel exactly the same way about the Republican Congress.
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The U.S. Supreme Court on Tuesday began examining a Kansas law that says when juries find that the arguments for and against capital punishment carry equal weight, the automatic sentence must be death.
According to a spokesperson from the Kansas Attorney General’s office:
DOROTHY
Oh, Toto, there’s no place like home! It’s full of corn and livestock rapists and hill-billies! And we don’t even have hills! Oh, Toto, what was I thinking?! Scarecrow, get me the f**k out of here!
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Pope Benedict broke with previous church doctrine this week when he suggested that condom use among married couples where one or both spouses is HIV positive might be allowable. According to a Vatican spokesperson:
VATICAN SPOKESPERSON
The College of Cardinals is deeply concerned that our Holy Father may have been abducted and replaced with a sane person.
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In South Carolina a bill proposed by Republican Congressman Ralph Davenport would make it a felony to sell devices used primarily for sexual stimulation and allow police to seize sex toys from raided businesses. According to Davenport….
DAVENPORT
It’s not that the Republican Party is against sex. What we’re against is pleasure.
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In central Mexico five youths were killed when the large metal cross they were praying to was struck by lightning.
In a related story, the Arizona Minutemen have begun construction of a series of large metal crosses along the U.S. – Mexican border.
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After more than half a century of hostility, Communist China and the Roman Catholic Church have inched within reach of normal relations.
Next on the agenda: Normal relations with each other.
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In a recent poll ranking constituents’ approval of their Senators, Pennsylvania’s Rick Santorum ranked dead last at 39 percent approval and 57 percent disapproval.
Currently enjoying greater popularity than Santorum: O.J. Simpson, kidney stones, and the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
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On her 80th birthday this week Queen Elizabeth said she would reign, “until the day she dies.”
When reached for comment her son Prince Charles had this to say:
CHARLES
Boo!
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John Travolta and Jennifer Lopez have been signed to appear in the big screen re-make of the TV soap “Dallas.”
Travolta has been tapped to play J.R. while J. Lo’s tush will stand in for Southfork.
