Okay, they’ve convinced me.
It really does help someone, somewhere if you press spikes into your flesh and whip yourself with a knotted rope. Plus, it puts you in good with Jesus, who was no puss about the rough trade himself. “Himself.” (Sorry!)
So here’s my list of Self-Mortification Rituals Opus Dei Hasn’t Thought of Yet:
1. Chastise your arteries with Ben and Jerry’s chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream.
2. Callus your soul with porn.
3. Pimp slap a short guy in a pointy hat… No wait, that’s “Elf Mortification.” Nevermind.
4. Meet Father Feeley for private bible study, without the lube.
5. Get a tatoo of the Last Supper on your nether regions. That’s serious pain to offer up to the unbaptized babies in limbo and believe me they’ll appreciate it! (And it makes an awesome “Profile Pic!”)
6. Dress up in primary-colored spandex with a matching helmet and jump in front of a bus! That way you can be a Mighty Mortifyin’ Power Ranger!
Opus Dei: They must be smart. They’re named after a comic strip penguin!
Heh!