2008 Presidential Candidate Reviews

Re-posted here for all of you who wouldn’t be caught dead on the notorious MySpace Page. Workplace-safe I promise.

Here we go:

ITEMS FROM THE 2008 MENU

Okay, I’ve been meaning to do this for a while but today seems to be The Day. I’m going to do an initial run-down of all the official Presidential candidates from the Big Two parties.

Dems first.

JOHN EDWARDS is the son of a mill-worker. Just ask him. Four hundred-dollar haircuts aside John is still my guy. He’s honestly not the candidate with the most gravitas. That’s probably Hillary at this point, but by god he understands that there are two Americas, a little tiny one with all the money and a huge, terrified one that’s waiting for One Bad Thing to happen at which point it’s bye-bye house, savings, and any hope of kids going to college. It ain’t right and no one else seems to be stepping up as fast to say so or what they intend to do about it. I also dig his background. He came up the hard way so he is less likely to kid himself about how the playing field is level for everyone. At this point I’m still optimistic enough to think he’d govern accordingly. And his determination to keep going in spite of his wife’s illness is inspiring. The guy just seems to have taken the hits and kept going. Speaking of which…

HILLARY CLINTON needs no introduction. I could sleep easy at night with her in the big chair. She’s unreadable on a personal level which can be a very good thing in her proposed line of work. And it goes without saying that she’s smart and tough as hell. The only downside to her is she seems a little too comfortable cozying up to the other side but that’s a necessity in life so I’ll eat it. And while it’s none of my business, I really don’t want to live through another 4-8 years of Bill sneaking around with fat girls. Understand, it’s their business I just don’t want to hear about it and I know the people who used to be reporters won’t be able to shut up if it happens.

BARACK OBAMA is also smart and tough and an inspiring speaker. He’s also pretty green right now on the national level, but I’d be okay with him taking the office if he ends up as my party’s nominee. I’d honestly be okay with any Dem (except Sharpton) over any Repub. Cards on the table. The Repubs had their chance and they showed exactly what they always were: religious crazies and whores in the corporate stable. Period.

DENNIS KUCINICH is a fine person and would probably be my first choice if he had a chance in hell of getting elected and implementing half of his noble agenda. Sadly, Gandhi was not cut out to play in the NFL and Kucinich is at best a Veep candidate or cabinet member. He does not have the leadership qualities that are currently required in America, those being the aura of the Alpha Male and/or a ton of money.

JOE BIDEN would carry Delaware. Also a strong contender for Veep or cabinet member. If he ended up Prez by default there are worse things.

CHRISTOPHER DODD was the first and only candidate to “Simpson-ize” his MySpace photo so I respect him for that. He’s also been in the Senate a long time and knows the game. I like his stances on most issues but he has properly been taken to task for his ties with big money banking and accounting firms. I know no there are no virgins on Capitol Hill but I’m looking for a Teddy Roosevelt to bust some trusts and an FDR to betray his class. It would be stretch to think either Dodd or Biden would step up in that regard.

MIKE GRAVEL is a former Senator from Alaska and as far as I know the only candidate to have gone bankrupt. I dig his positions on healthcare and choice (abortion! Yay!), but think he’s on the nutso side with his advocacy of replacing income tax with sales tax. I’m a “soak the rich” guy and probably always will be since I ain’t never gonna be rich.

BILL RICHARDSON would also be a great Veep candidate and ultimately a good Prez. I like his positions on most things but for him being pro-gun and pro-death penalty. Sadly, I’ve learned to hold my nose while voting around these issues. I live in a blood-thirsty country that likes loud noises and doesn’t mind killing some innocents so long as we get to fry a Ted Bundy or two now and then. And if you think I’m off-base on this you’re kidding yourself.

Okay, that’s the Dems. Let’s look at what remains of the Reich.

RUDY GULIANI is the guy I hope they run because it would be a landslide for the Dems. The GOP base is so insane at this point that all you’d need to do is show pictures of Rudy in his dress and talk about his gay room-mates to have heads exploding all over the Bible-Belt. Please make this happen, oh Lord, in your name I pray.

JOHN McCAIN would have been better than Bush eight years ago. Today he is simply too old, compromised, and crazy. Another course for the Democratic breakfast.

MITT ROMNEY has flip-flopped his way onto the traditional GOP platform, but thse loveable kooks on the religious right would sooner gouge out their eyes with the daggers of Medigo than vote for a Morman. Personally I think all religions are goofy but the classical Mormon stuff is especially indefensible. Still he’s telegenic and doesn’t foam at the mouth so I’m guessing he’s gonna take the nomination. It will then be the Democrats election to lose.

TOMMY TANCREDO is from Colorado. He is pro-life unless that life is Mexican. He doesn’t believe in evolution. Why he’s not in Bush’s cabinet is beyond me.

DUNCAN HUNTER is pro-life, pro-fence building along the Mexican border, and his son served in Iraq. Don’t know why he’s not doing better among the GOP base. Maybe it’s because he won’t denounce evolution.

SAM BROWNBACK is old-school Kansas crazy. Anti-evolution, pro-intelligent design, loves Jesse Helms, and hates abortion. Believes God directs his actions and wants him to run for President. “Guliani-Brownback 2008! Go! Go! Go!”

RON PAUL is a charming, likable Libertarian-Republican hybrid. He’s an outsider right now, acting as a traditional conservative gadfly to the current bunch of Bush apologists. He may even take the lead if he catches a break. I’d like him more if Libertarians weren’t ultimately as crazy as the evangelicals. Swap out “God” for “The Free Market” and you end up with pretty much the same line of faith-based hooey. Sorry, Ron.

JIM GILMORE dropped out before he could properly lose. Maybe he’d be a good losing Veep candidate for someone.

TOMMY THOMPSON is a former Wisconsin Governor who has been a little clumsy on his statements regarding gays and Jews. He also served on the board of directors of a company that makes chips that can be inserted into your body for tracking and payment. Wow, that sounds creepy. I got it off Wikepedia so let’s withhold judgment on that for now. I’ll research all of this more carefully later.

MIKE HUCKABEE is an Arkansas Governor who doesn’t believe in evolution and wants Michael Moore to help him solve healthcare in America. I want to party with this guy!

JOHN COX has never been elected to anything and has been excluded from every Republican debate. He’s only raised a few thousand dollars and is financing his campaign pretty much on his own. I kind of love this guy and could totally see a Cox-Huckabee ticket as just the thing our country needs to lighten the national mood.

Okay, more in depth stuff later. You’re welcome.