Are you ready for The Show?
Me neither but I’m taking a crack at this thing anyway.
Piecemeal because it’s too emotionally exhausting otherwise.
Top of the ballot first.
Here in my little corner of The Golden State (#31) home to twelve percent of the US population, our choices look like this:
PRESIDENT AND VICE-PRESIDENT
Bob Barr and Wayne A. Root (Libertarian). Barr is a former Republican Congressman from Georgia who decided the GOP wasn’t crazy enough for his liking so he decided to join the Ayn Rand Chowder and Marching Society. Wayne Root is a “sports handicapper” i.e. professional gambler, who was in the same Columbia University poli-sci class as Barack Obama. He named his four kids Dakota Root, Hudson Root, Remington Root, and Contessa Root so he is clearly either a serious passive-agressor or a guy who lost four of those bets he’s so good at making. Oddly enough I would feel safer and more secure voting for these kooks than the current GOP ticket. Speaking of which…
John McCain and Sarah Palin (Republican/EvilStupidCrazy). Bounce a frisbee through the Alzheimer’s wing of a hospice and you will hit any number of people more qualified to assume leadership of the free world than these sad, horrible, desperate freaks. You will also be employing a more thorough vetting process than McCain campaign manager Steven Schmidt did when he picked Palin.
Cynthia McKinney and Rosa Clemente (Green). McKinney is an ex-Dem congresswoman from Georgia who slapped a Capital Police Officer and is so generally crazy it’s a wonder she never joined the GOP. Rosa Clemente is an “independent journalist and hip-hop activist” which is probably a good career path for anyone wishing to run as Number Two to Cynthia McKinney. (Note from a life-long liberal to the Green Party: It’s not cute anymore.)
Alan Keyes and Wiley S. Drake, Sr. (American Independent). Alan Keyes is a strange cautionary tale from the Reagan years during which The Gipper appointed him as Ambassador to the UN. The Gipper allegedly did this to any black person he caught running around his White House just to make them stop scaring Nancy.
Keyes also has a seriously closeted gay subtext running through his life from his days at Cornell being “mentored” by the late closeted gay philosopher Allan Bloom (in Paris!) to his running around with the author of “The Pink Triangle”, a book that argues that Hitler and his inner circle were gay, to his own estrangement from his openly lesbian daughter. He is also a trained opera singer and was college roommates with Bill Kristol.
Pastor Wiley S. Drake Sr. is a former vice-president of the national Southern Baptist Convention who called on his parishioners to join him in “imprecatory prayer” for the deaths of certain officials of Americans United for Separation of Church and State after they busted him for endorsing Mike Huckabee from his tax exempt pulpit.
Ex-Republicans, the both of them!
(Are you starting to wonder why you and all your friends are not on the ballot this year?)
Ralph Nader and Matt Gonzalez (Peace and Freedom Party). I’m not going into detail here for the same reason I don’t give my spare change to crackheads.
Barack Obama and Joe Biden (Democratic). I am voting for these men with enthusiasm and gratitude, as they are the only candidates listed so far whose feet are actually tethered to the same planet as my own. (Although it is rumored that Barack walks on water.) Seriously, if you’re voting for any of these people other than Barack and Joe you need your head examined. This is not even close.
Okay, tomorrow we work our way through pages two and three and maybe some of the State Measures. Here’s a Preview:
VOTE “NO” ON MEASURES 4 & 8! Let Mr. Sulu stay married and stop trying to drive my daughter to back-alley abortionists!
Details to come. Good night.
