(Composed last night in the wilds of Ashland, Virginia, “Center of the Universe.” Uploaded from the town library which does have wireless, albeit kinda slow. Enjoy. )
FINAL (3rd) PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE 2008
Okay, I’m doing this off-line because I am.
I’m on the East coast at my non-wireless in-laws, in rural Virginia, which is turning blue. Hard to believe….
Here we go. Wolf Blitzer is introducing stuff. Bob Schaeffer of CBS News is moderating a sit-down with Obama and his victim.
Ah-ha. The CNN EKG is divided into MEN and WOMEN who are “Uncommitted Ohio Voters.” Jeez-us. What’s that, like the entire population of the short bus?
“Blinky” McCain races through his opening bullet points. Looks like a condemned man giving his last words.
Barack addresses the camera. McCain was addressing the moderator. Or maybe Jesus.
EKG loves it when Barack speaks. Not so much when he prefaces “I agree with Senator McCain…”
McCain wants to cut taxes for Ohio plumbers named Joe. Lieberman’s a plumber now?
Just call this now. McCain should go home and water his drinks.
Boy, McCain loves Joe the Plumber and wants to have his baby. Oh, “Joe the Plumber” is the only phrase McCain can keep in his head. Darn “That One!”
McCain does not want to “Spread the wealth around.” He likes it right where it is: In his wife’s trust fund.
Bob asks “What are you going to cut back?”
Obama: Carbs?”
Obama details how he’s going to cut what doesn’t work, improve what does and invest rather than just spend.
Huge EKG drop when McCain opens his yap. OHIO MEN like McCain’s budget cut BS a lot better than WOMEN who understand what that means. WOMEN seem to hate McCain a lot. McCain lost everyone by the end of his nut-job rant.
Obama just seems consistently more in control of his facts and himself. McCain seems barely in control of his bowels.
McCAIN: I am not President Bush.
Yeah ,and Nixon was not a crook.
It’s official: WOMEN hate McCain worse than venereal warts.
Why does Obama give McCain a pass on supporting torture? It’s one of his most shameful lapses.
Bob asks why the candidates have taken “the low road?”
Because CBS News rapes puppies, Bob.
McCAIN: It’s Obama’s fault, Bob, because he made me rape the puppies. And Obama should apologize to me and all puppies everywhere.
OBAMA: Welcome to the NFL, candy-ass.
MEN appear disappointed that Obama has not punched McCain in the throat. Must be a biological thing.
Joe the Plumber is back. Hopefully he’ll be a guest at Obama’s inauguration.
Obama tries to rise above the negative campaigning. McCain says he’s proud of the people who come to his rallies. Both of them. I think he’s giving Otter’s speech from the Delta House trial.
BOB: Do you want to punch him in the throat, Barack? What if I hold him for you?
McCAIN: Ayers! ACORN!!! Aliens!
OBAMA: Point by point, let me address the McCrap.
Sadly, policy starts losing EKG points. Too boring. Let’s see a fight!
Could Obama step up the “Not trues” to “You’re a lying sack, John.”
BOB: “Defend your Veep choice. Senator McCain you may hide under the table and cry now.”
OBAMA: Lay-up! Lay-up! Swish! Nuthin’ but net!
McCAIN: Boobies!
MEN from Ohio are morons. Except for the ones I call my friends.
BOB: Barack, do you think Palin is qualified? No giggling! McCain, do you think Joe Biden is worth ten Palins or twenty?
McCAIN: Spending! Taxes! Puppies!
BOB: How much fairy dust do each of you think we can fit into American gas tanks?
McCAIN: Nukes is awesome and taste great on Froot Loops!
OBAMA: Ten years and we’re all fairy dust, all the time.
McCAIN: Ooooo, That One and his fancy “words!” You know who else used words? Hitler!
OBAMA: I would prefer to only support free trade agreements that don’t get labor leaders killed, if that’s okay with you, John.
How much of this is actually playing in Cleveland anyway?
McCAIN: Obama is Herbert Hoover, who BTW, was also my Padwan Learner.
BOB: Healthcare?
OBAMA: Yes. Here’s the stuff I’ve been saying since before Hillary gave it up. And McCain wants to tax your health benefits. (Incidentally, this is what decided my father-in-law here in VA to vote Obama.)
McCAIN: Drop and give me fifty push-ups! I’m taking to you, Joe the Plumber!
The CNN EKG shows WOMEN hate Joe the Plumber and MEN are laughing at his “crack.”
I’m starting to think the CNN EKG is showing Undecided Ohio Men are slow-thinking racists.
Could we get Joe the Plumber up here? I think McCain just made a “log-jam.”
McCain is flat-lining. Either the CNN guests have gone home or they wish McCain would.
BOB: Roe v. Wade? Supreme Court? Would you nominate someone who disagrees with you?
McCAIN: I think the states should decide which women are whores who ought to pay for their own rape kits.
OBAMA: I would apply no litmus test. I would only nominate jurists who aren’t stupid enough to send women into back alleys for their heath care.
McCAIN: Boy, do I love little babies and feti and embryos and tampex! I even like those little “Love Is…” cartoons right above the daily jumble….
OBAMA: McCain is a lying sack of steaming… I mean, “That’s not true.”
Obama just hit the EKG ceiling while seeking reasonable common ground on abortion.
McCAIN: I love adoption so much I even adopted a little girl Karl Rove said was my illegitimate black whore-baby! Vote Republican!
BOB: Last question: Education?
OBAMA: Yes.
Again Obama is banging on the EKG ceiling addressing the need for affordable education for all.
McCAIN: I was at the bottom of my Naval Academy class even though my legendary dad and granddad got me in. We need more parents to be Navy Admirals so their kids can’t get flunked out. Boo-yah! Vouchers! “Choice!” Unfunded choice! The best kind! We need to find out what causes autism in Sarah Palin’s family. And sluttiness! I am a dick.
BOB: Closing statements?
McCAIN: I have to pee. You will never see me again. (blink times infinity)
OBAMA: I am your magical black friend. Even if you are a dirt-dumb Ohio redneck who is up much later than your parole officers would advise. Oh look, the CNN EKG is tickling my nose. Michelle, start picking out drapes.
That’s a wrap. McCain and his second wife actually allowed the Obamas to touch their skin.
Hillary Clinton is going to be on CNN in a minute to say a few words over McCain’s corpse.
Bill Bennett is betting his milk money on McCain.
Paul Begala gives McCain too much credit for a “strong start.” What? Seventy-two years ago?
CNN is making the black commentator stand.
The GOP commentators have clearly smoked too much of their kids’ weed.
Yes, McCain was “aggressive.” So are hungry panhandlers.
It’s late. Maybe I should catch Hillary on YouTube tomorrow.
Oh my God. They’re showing the Ohio Undecideds. Thirty of them total. They’re voting 15 to 10 in favor of Obama. Looks like five of them didn’t understand the question. Three of them have changed their votes to Barack Obama based on tonight’s debate.
Time to start hacking those voting machines, Karl. Again.
Hillary’s on. “Another great performance. He’s three for three.” Yes, McCain called her a few weeks ago to ask her what an “economy” was.
I still like Hillary. She’s a good hatchet-person. Nobody can say she has not put her shoulder to the wheel for her party and her country. She indicates she will remain a Senator, hopefully in a 60 Democrat, filibuster-proof majority.
First poll says 58-31% Obama. Obama favorables up. McCain un-favorables up.
McCain should concede to spare the country the cost of the election.
Dana Bash looks like she has an eating disorder.
Amy Holmes could be really hot if it was ever possible to hose the Bill Frist off her.
Anderson Cooper is the gay Ted Baxter.
They finally found a McCain campaign worker who would show his face on camera, McCain’s campaign manger, Corpsey McDeadman.
Okay, I’m done. Vote hard.
