Sometimes we need to take a leap of faith if we are to be true to the better angels of our nature.
Not many people know this about me, but I am, by heredity, a Catholic. My father was raised in the Church, but left it after completing his undergraduate studies at Georgetown. He never spoke much about it but those Catholic outlooks and values that had been thrust deeply inside him as a boy were very much a part of the environment in which I grew up.
The loving words of Jesus Christ, as interpreted by the Holy Mother Church, could not help but reach me even if they were never rubbed in my face. And in reaching me through His words, His gospel, I found myself touched in a very private place (not a bad place) that I can only describe as my soul.
I feel as I pass through the midpoint of my life that I am also crossing a Rubicon of sorts, a time in which I must reach certain determinations about where I stand spiritually and what my legacy will be to the beautiful children I have fathered and all the others I have not. I feel a calling to return to the heritage I have ignored for most of my time under Heaven and to do what I can to embrace the many gifts my Creator has bestowed upon me, unworthy though I am.
Toward this end I wish to announce that today, 04-01-10, I am taking the first steps in founding The American Catholic Church, a sect inspired by but not legally a part of the Catholic Church of Rome.
The American Catholic Church will be in practice and appearance very similar to the Church of our fathers, but with some improvements, if I may be so immodest as to call them that. These differences are as follows:
1. Priests and nuns can be married, even to each other if they wish.
2. Divorce, while sad, is okay.
3. Ditto abortion.
4. Pre-marital sex and onanism, also okay.
5. No more spanking, smacking or other behavior harmful to kids.
6. Re-read #5 and really get that through your heads. We are not screwing around on this. Don’t hurt the kids.
7. Since a big chunk of the official Bible is self-contradicting mythological hooey we’ll be using a heavily redacted version, less King James and more Thomas Jefferson if you get the idea.
8. We are still anti-war, anti-death penalty and anti-sin, but we want to clarify the source of all that anti-ness. We are against anything that is low-down or makes life needlessly difficult for people just trying to make it through the day. Ours is the Gospel of Be Nice and our Jeffersonian Bible is just a part of that.
9. All are welcome.
10. The seal of the confessional is still sacred except if you make noises like you’re going to do harm. Especially to kids. If a member or employee of the American Catholic Church leans the slightest degree in that direction we will bring down The Biggest Shit-Hammer in All Creation. In fact, we will study the Biggest Shit-Hammer in All Creation, get some engineers to build an Even Bigger, Heavier, Spiked Version, cover it with Poison and bring it squarely down on your filthy, kiddie-diddling fun-parts. I know this is covered in #5 and 6 but it is central to our foundation and bears repeating.
So thats it. Sign up sheet is below. And God bless.
