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I am the caucasian gentleman.

Saint Callistus I is another Patron Saint of nothing but this one day. He is invoked for and against nothing. His story is interesting but may account for why nobody’s been looking to hitch their wagon to his star.

He was born in second century Rome, a Christian slave to a Christian master, who rose to the position of banker and fell hard when he screwed up the money. He bounced in and out of jail and tried to clear his good name by blaming all his troubles on the Jews.

You can say that’s a terrible legacy but you can’t deny it’s grown in popularity over the past 2000 years.

Eventually he was hired to supervise the papal cemetery where he got in so good with Pope Zephyrinus that he managed to succeed him when he died. Pope (Saint) Callistus I lasted about five years before his policies of allowing penitent sinners to attend church and recognizing marriages between Christian widows and their slaves got him martyred in the unique method of being thrown down a well.

Forgiveness? Honoring two people in love? This is the Catholic Church, hippie!

The Patron Saint of today, October 13th is Saint Colman (of Austria, cattle, hanged men and horses). I wish to specify that no one is talking about hanging horses and if they are Saint Colman has nothing to do with it. Saint Colman should also be the Patron Saint of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  His martyrdom occurred in 1012 when he was passing through Austria on his way to the holy land on a pilgrimage.

Bad move.

The Austrians thought he was a spy because he couldn’t speak German so they hanged him. His body wouldn’t decompose afterward so they made him a saint, possibly as a gesture of apology. Regardless, this is a good argument for learning German if you’re ever traveling over there.

There are over 300 other Saints Colman so if you’re ever in the mood to pray to “Saint Colman” you’re going to want to be very specific. Don’t just say “Hey, Saint Colman!” unless you want to turn a lot of heads in Heaven.  FYI.

I like to think of it less as hanging and more as "Extreme Yoga."

1. Saint Gomer (of unhappy husbands, woodcutters, invoked against hernia). Saint Gomer was an 8th century knight whose wife was so horrible to everyone around her that Gomer was obliged to compensate for her misdeeds by performing miracles. Eventually he went out for cigarettes, I mean “went on a pilgrimage to Rome” during which he got himself in trouble, sans hell-wife, and had to miracle his way out of it. No idea why he’s not the Patron Saint of Hack Sitcoms.

2. Saint James Grissinger (of glass painters). Saint JG was a 15th century Dominican lay brother (oh stop!) and glass painter who was so good at glass painting and made so much money at it that they made him its Patron Saint. Glass painting, not making money. Oddly enough there’s no Patron Saint of Wealth.

At least not yet….

"Well, gollllleeee I married a bitch!"

1. Saint Francis Borgia (of Portugal; invoked against earthquakes). Yes, he was descended directly from those Borgias. Saint FB was distinguished beyond his name by being really rich, really fat and throwing it all away at 40 to become a Jesuit. He was a Spaniard which makes his patronage of Portugal somewhat odd and making a fat man the Patron Saint you invoke against earthquakes seems like a cruel and childish joke. Are you supposed to wait until buildings are falling down and yell “Saint Francis Borgia, hold still?!”

Tsk.

2. Saint Gereon (invoked against headaches). In the year 290 AD some six thousand Christian members of Rome’s Theban Legion chose to be executed rather than make worship to the Emperor Maximian. Saint Gereon was one of them and maybe “chose” isn’t the most accurate way of putting it.  Speaking of which….

2. Saint Victor (of soldiers). Saint Victor was a member of this same unfortunate Theban Legion and he met the same fate as his fellow believers.  That is, if he actually existed. There were so many Theban Legion Christians who got whacked (6660 of them we are told) that some of their stories get confused and conflated. Some variations on Saint Victor’s story have him as black and others have him as a pagan who converted to Christianity just so he could die with his Theban bros. That last version is very sweet in a completely insane sort of way.

I'm not certain Saint Victor was black, but he does have a certain Lionel Ritchie quality to him.

1. Saint Andronicus (of silversmiths). No miracles here, just a silversmith from Antioch who lost his kids suddenly and resolved with his wife to separate and become hermits.  Years later he met his ex and didn’t recognize her because she was masquerading as a male hermit. They became great friends and he only learned of her true identity after she died and left him a note. This is the Saint version of true romance.

2. Saint Denis (of France; invoked against headaches and frenzy). Saint Denis was the first bishop of Paris, sent from Rome to straighten out the Gauls in 90 AD. As these things often go he then got his head chopped off. However, not wanting a bunch of pagan Gauls to have the last word, he picked up his head and carried it to the site where his cathedral now stands. According to Saint Denis’ severed head: “The first step was the difficult one.” And who was going to argue with him?

3. Saint Ghislain (invoked against twitching). Saint Ghislain was a seventh century Frankish monk who got his clothes stolen by a bear. His miracle was that an eagle led him to the bear’s den where he got them back. I suppose if anyone knew about twitching…

4. Saint Louis Bertrand (of Columbia). Saint Louis was a 16th century Dominican friar who spent six years traveling around central and South America. He didn’t speak any of the native languages but was said to have “the gift of tongues” (oh my) so the natives all understood him anyway, those lucky ducks. Upon his return to Spain he attempted to tell the authorities about the horrible treatment of the natives by the Spaniards but nobody there understood him either.

Quick! Where's Ichabod Crane?!

Either that or they’re the lame community colleges where they stick everyone who couldn’t go anywhere else.  Let’s look at the saints for today and see if they offer a clue.

1. Saint Demetrius (of Bulgaria, Serbia and Macedonia). Demetrius was missionary who got martyred in Serbia around 300 AD.  He’s sort of the Saint Death for anyone living in the Balkans. If you want Divine Sanction for going genocidal on any foreigner (or native) in that region Saint Demetrius is the guy to talk to.

2. Saint Pelagia (of actresses).  Saint Pelagia has more origin stories than Spider-Man.  There appear to have been no fewer than three different Saint Pelagiae, the latter two of whom died to protect their “virtue”, the surest way for a girl to fast track that Sainthood career FYI.  The one who gets October 8th however was a performer (if you know what I mean) in Antioch. The local Bishop happened to catch her act, most likely when he stopped in for a glass of water or perhaps to ask for directions. The next day he mentioned her in his sermon, making note of her devotion to her craft and high production values. And who should be among the parishioners but the future saint herself! No doubt she had stopped in merely to return a lost glove or to thank the bishop for the tip, but upon hearing the sermon she offered to get baptized and give all her money to the church.

The bishop’s arm sufficiently twisted, the future saint donned male drag and moved to Jerusalem where she lived out her days as “Pelagius the Beardless Monk” and her nights as None of Your Business.

We might scoff at the lengths to which she went but she was probably the first actress to keep working past forty.

3. Saint Thais (of fallen women). Didn’t we cover this with Saint Pelagia?

Sort of. It’s the same plot only the details are worse. Saint Thais was a fourth century Egyptian whore who made the mistake of talking to a monk. He wheedled her into burning all her clothes, giving him all her jewels and moving into a convent where they starved and dehydrated her for three years in a cell with no toilet. They finally let her out and she died.

Many centuries later the French made fun of her.

4. Saint Triduana (invoked against eye disease). Warning: Brace yourselves.

Saint Triduana was a Benedictine abbess. One day a Scottish clan chieftain fell in love with her beautiful eyes so she tore them both out and sent them to him.

So I think we can conclude that the heavenly calendar has October 8th set aside for extra helpings of violence and misogyny. Amen.

(Seriously, how does anyone, let alone a woman, come out of this culture as anything but a paranoid, self-hating loon?)

Saint Triduana: She only has eyes for you.

Justina was a fourth century Christian, baptized by “a disciple of Saint Peter.”  (Don’t do the math. You’ll go to Hell.)

While crossing a bridge over the River Po she was “arrested by soldiers.”

She dropped to her knees.

To pray…

For courage!  Yeah, that’s it!

Her miracle is that she knelt and prayed so hard her knees left indentations in the stone bridge that are still there, seventeen centuries later.  Her sacred knee-prints are said to be popular with tourists, no doubt attracting many happy couples seeking to reenact the miracle of Saint Justina when there are no cops around.

The emblem of Saint Justina is a unicorn because “that” doesn’t count.

Hey, Centurion, what's she doing with the feather OH MY JUPITER!

The Patron Saints for October 6th are Saint Bruno (invoked against demonic possession) and Saint Faith of Agen (of prisoners and soldiers).

Saint Bruno was an 11th century teacher who was speaking at a funeral when the dead man woke up and started going on about God’s strict judgement.  This inspired Bruno and six of his buddies to pick up sticks and become hermits.  In retrospect you hope it wasn’t all due to a prank on the part of the “dead” man.

Saint Faith was a third century French virgin who died from being burned alive after refusing to give it up to the local Roman Governor.  (Or, as they called it back then, “Natural Causes.”)

Today belongs to them.

Saint Bruno

Saint Faith

It could also be my pal, Richard Howe because it’s his birthday, but Richard’s no saint and his only miracles to date are his kids and managing to work more hours than actually exist in a given week.  On salary. (21st century America! Woot!)

Happy birthday, Richard.

Saint Placid was the Joey Bishop of saints.  He never performed one miracle. He just hung around saints who did.  His big claim to fame was almost drowning in a lake until Saint Benedict ordered Saint Maurus to run across the surface of the lake and save this schmuck who couldn’t even perform the miracle of learning to swim.

Saint Benedict could see the future, read the thoughts of his monks over vast distances, talk to animals and raise the dead.  He was like the cast of the X-Men rolled up into one guy.

Saint Maurus was like Lois Lane, always getting into trouble.

His most interesting story is said to be untrue. In it he founded a monastery where he and his siblings were killed by pirates.

I find it interesting that most of the stories about saints that could have happened are denounced as legend and apocrypha while all the super-hero stuff is official canon.

“Killed by pirates?

Don’t be crazy, but that stuff about flying and raising the dead is totally sourced, dude!”

Screw Saint Placid. It's my blog and I'm going with Saint Jobs.

Thanks as always go to Sean Kelly and Rosemary Rogers, authors of “Saints Preserve Us: Everything You Need to Know About Every Saint You’ll Ever Need.”  Available on Amazon. You should buy all their stuff there.